In the face of my current degenerative structural and neurological complex medical conditions and limitations- with poor solutions possible. I had believed my quality of life or basic physical functioning could not get any worse. Then this week a traumatic incident occurred that has resulted in further loss of independence, physical pain, Self esteem and identity.
Subsequently All week Riding grossly unpleasant waves of physical discomfort, acute anxiety, distress, stress and depressive thoughts, yet desperately trying to find the resilient self that somewhere must be in my realm.
In fact only I am responsible for finding this , it’s my life and actions and drawing from the strength and courage within to soldier on is a non negotiable.
It’s also strange that The usually warm and sunny place I reside has taken a turn as though the bleak weather is mirroring my fragile state with continual torrential rain, angry winds and just generally dark and cold!
I reflect and reflect on what has passed and despair tempts me to engage in rumination, self pity, fear and shame . So on an empty tank and at times very reluctantly, I tried to keep myself focused, activity and hope oriented –as best I could with my physical limitations. The results were I discovered standing tall and moving forward is a better orientation than sinking into my single bed or bathtub til water becomes so icey cold.
indeed the times of unpleasant thoughts/feelings and physical pain may have outweighed the preferred pleasant states this week,but there were some moments of contentment, hope, assurance. Perhaps from accessing from the pits and depths, to retrieve the things I value and know to be useful. My trusting connections, exercise, creative outlets and switching a unhelpful Desired helpless attitude to hopeful .
Although it felt tempting to be small and squeeze myself into tiny hole to hibernate I chose to stand tall over falling small. To somehow gather my bow and arrow and move valued directed not impulse directed.
It’s undoubtedly been tough and testing but as each day passed my strength and determination grew. Even one moment today of strange excitement about the change and uncertainty ahead. Moment to moment and day to day an active choice to stay on the path toward the light. Despite the setbacks and challenges of the week and further to follow ,I choose to stay standing tall and keep standing tall even when this seemed impossible and beyond reach.
I acknowledged I am only a spec, one of many millions of others experiencing some life challenge and I certainly know there are millions and millions suffering far far greater than me. attitude of gratitude must be my compass setting and indeed what a reliable source to get me to the place I know not yet.
I quietly chant, Water your heaRt and soul like plants with care and compassion.Stand tall and keep standing tall. Add some helpful fertilisers to stay afloat and ultimately thrive-
Faith over fear. Courageous acts over capitulating ones. Diligence over disregardful Care. This too shall pass like the rain and the sun will be back